"I'm Only 15 and She's 18"

Dear Doctor TRuth, Hi. I have a problem. I am 15 years old and I have a friend who I think I'm in love with. She's 18 but I know she doesn't mind going with younger guys (she went with my 15 year old friend). Anyway, I cant stop thinking of her all day long and I day dream about her alot. The problem is that one of my best friends likes her alot. He doesn't know how I feel about her, in fact nobody does. I found out from someone else that she doesn't feel the same way about my friend as he does about her. She kinda likes him but, "not as much as he likes her." I sometimes think that she likes me by the way she acts around me, and the look we sometimes give each other but she has no idea that I like her. She's not the same race as me and my parents see that as weird, I love everything about her. I don't want to mess up our friendship and I don't know what to do. Can you help me out? In Love

Dear "In Love" How do you feel about talking to her? Trust your instincts. We usually can sense when someone likes us. As far as the racial issue goes: that is your call. Also, I see nothing wrong with it if she is a good person. I know you are a good friend to your buddy but he really has no claim on her. Ask him if he would mind it if the two of you got together. If he says yes, you will have to choose whether or not it would feel right to be with her. If he minds, it would probably be best to let it go for a while, especially if he is a really close friend. Sorry, there is no easy solution to this one. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"I Can't Keep a Girlfriend"

Dear Doctor TRuth, During the past year I have had a rough time with women. I am 18 years old. My first try I blew after two dates. I made the mistake of telling her she could not date other guys. The next girl I got really serious with, however after we had our first "sexual encounter(not sex)" a few days later she stopped calling and having interest. The next girl really liked me but some how I messed up and she then had no interest in us being more than friends. Finally, the last girl I guess I annoyed with lack of trust. After I was told that we should only "be friends", I again pursued her and we once again got back to dating. However, again I came back to the "just friends" scenario. Now there is a new girl my friend introduced me to. I have only seen her and have never talked to her and I feel with the right advice I can do right with her. My friend has told me I become too controlling with girls and this is why I always come to "lets be friends" scenario. If she is indeed interested in me I plan on asking her on a date and pursuing a relationship. Please tell me how I could do things different with this girl so that we perhaps can be more than "just friends". Thank you for your time. "18"

Dear "18" You have answered your own question: stop trying to run things. Trying to control or make demands too early in a relationship is a real turn-off. Would you like someone to do that to you? Probably not! If you halfway like this new girl, take it very slowly and play a little hard to get. Telling someone you want it to be exclusive before you actually fall in love will only drive them off. Honestly, the best way to handle this is to develop a friendship first and let it build into something more. If you like this new girl, date her but don't try to "own" her. By doing that, you only betray a lack of self confidence and that is not appealing. The most confident and self-assured people I know like themselves enough to know that other people will like them too. Even if you don't feel that way just yet, acting like you feel this way will eventually build your confidence. Unless you believe that you are really worth being with, you will have a hard time convincing others of this fact. So, take it slow and good luck! Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"I'm the Go-Between Who Loves the Guy"

Dear Doctor TRuth: I need some advice. I had been secretly in love with someone, B., for the past 2 years. He and I are good friends, but he likes someone else, Kara, who is also my friend. So since it didn't seem possible for me to express my feelings for him, I helped him court Kara. Then Kara decided that she wasn't ready to commit, and broke up with him. He was so devastated that I didn't know what to do. He wanted me to help them come back together, so during our Christmas party, I got them to dance together. But somehow, I felt so sad I had to stop dancing and go somewhere to cry. Then when he came back and told me that Kara had rejected him again, I just didn't know if I should feel glad or sad, or anything at all. When I was about to leave the dance, he offered to send me off. We ended up discussing he and Kara. When he told me that he is willing to wait until Kara accepts him, I felt my heart die. I was so sad that i just wanted to end my feelings for him. So I asked him to close his eyes, kissed him and said goodbye. Since I didn't think we'd meet again, I thought everything would end there. But I cannot get my mind off him. Then I met Kara yesterday at a party. We left together and talked about their relationship. She told me that she's hesitant about the outcome and thus is not confident enough to make up with B. So I ended up encouraging her to accept B. Then I felt so rotten about myself that I went home to cry again. I'm hopeless and I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't think I can continue being their go-between aunt-agony anymore, but I can't tell Kara that I love her boyfriend. What should I do? In need of a break, Gone-Between

Dear Between, My God! How much suffering can you inflict on yourself. Stay out of their relationship! Tell B. that he is too good to be with someone who doesn't love him and tell Kara that you don't want to be a go between. Also, don't tell either of them about your secret passion. He won't be ready for you unless he gets over her so tell him he is worth much more than this kind of suffering. Then give it some time. Meanwhile, act friendly to both. IF he comes to you, tell him that you care, but that he needs to work it out for himself. Tell him you know someone who likes him, but that you can't tell him till he gets over this. Then see what happens. Besides, this is a self-esteem issue for you. Don't you think you deserve someone for yourself? The only way to find out if there can really be anything between you and B. is to let him heal, and then see if he responds to you. Also, I wouldn't spend that much time with either of them right now. Hang out with others. You may actually meet someone else that you like even better. Waiting around won't get you anywhere and may actually be an unconscious statement that you don't think you can get your own guy. Believe me, you can.! Let me know how it goes. Good luck.. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"Why Can't I Feel Anything?"

Dear Dr. TRuth, I have been dating a great guy for 2 months now. He is wonderful. Newly divorced, as am I, we have both found ourselves in the city. I have been separated for three years and have long since resolved any issues with my ex-husband. I feel healthy and sane, but have been guarding my feelings after a married boyfriend returned to his wife and crushed me 2 years ago. My new boyfriend has been part of a friendship circle since high school (more than 10 years ago). I am a single parent with two children I am raising myself. Their father is about 500 miles away and sees them on occasion, but I carry the weight of everyday. My problem is I like being with this guy, but can't bring my heart to feel anything. It doesn't switch, feel sad, miss him, feel happy, anything. I am like a cold fish. I have been in a self protective mode for so long that I don't know how to feel anymore. I have attempted to find something on the internet in this field to no avail. Am I the only one who feels like this? I really like this guy and want to share my heart with him. How do I let myself love again? Is this going to be one of those wait it out and it will come things? I feel sad that I cannot feel for him. Please help, B.

Dear B. You understand yourself well. You are definitely in pain over the way you have been treated by the men you have allowed to get close to you. You are still angry at your children's father and because of his absence, have a tremendous amount of pressure: parenting, work, etc. Then, you chose another emotionally unavailable man and he also has hurt you. Ask yourself: why do I choose men who can't accept the responsibility of a relationship? Think about your own childhood and examine your unconscious attitudes about men in general and what they provide for the women in their lives. Tell the man you are with that you are still recovering from your own past and that you want to continue seeing him but that you need more time. I suggest counseling to help you deal with past pain and to help you to examine the earlier choices you have made. Your heart is closed because you've been hurt and now you have to begin the process of healing so that you may love freely once again. My heart does go out to you and I know that you have it in you to do this. A caring counselor can do wonders. Let me know how it goes. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"Why Can't I Find the Perfect Girl?"

Dear Dr. TRuth, It seems to me that everybody I know has either a girlfriend or boyfriend and this really makes me pissed off due to the fact that I don't have a girlfriend and that the biggest losers or misfits in my school have one. I do socialize with girls, but it's just that I don't really have interest in them for a relationship because either they're my friends, aren't my type, don't know them real well, or I just kind of ignore them. But, what i really am looking for in a girl is: Extremely beautiful inside and out, someone who loves hockey or ice skating, someone who is extremely smart and can handle my personal problems, race- white(must be brunette), asian (light skin color and silky hair), or Indian (light skin color and very sexy), loves pets, someone who can calm my great anger and arrogance (I had to admit these weaknesses), and someone who has a great body (perfect in my terms), funny, and someone who is just about my height or slightly lower- lower than 6 feet but higher than 5'3". Though these qualities are way too much to ask for in a girl in my area, I just want to meet one exactly like that. Look, I know this is crazy and won't happen, but at least give me a few tips on how to meet the girl I desire, let alone get one. Please help immediately, because I don't want to be the biggest LOSER in my school or a gay person. PS: Don't tell me to go to advertise myself in a classified magazine! Searching

Dear Searching Honestly, I think you know exactly why you don't have a girlfriend. Anger and arrogance simply don't mix with intimacy. What are you so angry at? And what makes you so arrogant? Usually, these characteristics are signs of a deep and underlying insecurity not to mention unresolved issues in your own life. No girl needs to take on your problems. Why should any other person, much less someone you love, have to manage your feelings? Sorry, but that is your job. Your letter also displays a marked lack of self-acceptance. No outward situation defines whether or not you are a nerd or a loser. Maybe those people you define as such are able to make themselves more vulnerable and lovable than you are. Maybe they just plain know how to let other people in. Actually, your arrogance may be exactly what keeps you from finding the right one. Arrogance is usually an overcompensation for insecurity. On the other hand, I can tell by your letter that you are bright funny and thoughtful. You also seem to know exactly what you want, but I don't think you really do. What we all want is someone who loves us and makes us feel safe and appreciated. I suggest you start by forming friendships and building trust with some girls you are attracted to. Maybe after you are able to let someone in at least at the level of friendship, you will be able to give up the superficial characteristics you describe and find someone who is lovable, beautiful and kind. In the meantime, learn to love yourself. All else springs from that. Good luck in your search and keep me posted. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"Why do we fight about money?"

Dear Dr. TRuth,

I have been married for two years and things have gone steadily downhill. I thought I married my soul-mate yet now we can't seem to agree on anything important. When we were engaged, I though we agreed on everything. Now, even how we like our pasta cooked is a bone of contention.
Our biggest fights seem to be about money. I love nice things and a beautiful environment. I think my husband would be happy living in a cave.
Whenever I come home with a new dress or an item to beautify our house, he hits the ceiling. He wants to retire at 50 and sees any expenditure beyond bare necessities as taking away from his nest egg.
I was raised in a home where money was seen as a way to live better. He grew up in a poorer home where his family scrimped and saved to provide their children with a relatively good life.
Believe me, I am far from extravagant, but I don't think I should have to defend myself every time I buy something without his approval.
I am at my wits end with this. Please help. Sincerely,
J.

Dear J. Yours is not the first letter I've received needing advice on this topic. Issues with money, probably second only to sex, are the two subjects couples seem to fight about most. Actually, I think this has to do with the fact that both of these issues touch on each individuals need to control their physical and emotional environments. You mention that when you met your husband, you agreed on everything. This is not uncommon. You have to remember that, in a relationship's beginning phase, there is a high degree of enmeshment which sometimes precludes open and honest discussions where disagreements may occur. At this point, rather than finding out how different we are, couples are more involved with the ecstasy of no longer feeling alone. After living together for a while, couples begin to define their boundaries more clearly, and differences which have been submerged before come to the surface. I suspect this is what has happened here. Since the two of you are fighting about everything, I wonder if there is an underlying sense of having been deprived or cheated of something that both of you may want and can't communicate. My guess is that this is what is being acted out using money as a convenient pretext. Money issues, more often than not, reflect a lack of emotional intimacy within the context of a relationship. Further, the inability of the couple to communicate about their emotional needs creates problems which manifest as financial issues. Believe it or not, money and love sometimes symbolize each other in the way that giving, sharing, receiving, and spending are expressed. Forget money for a moment and ask yourself this question: "Do I honestly feel that I am getting enough love and understanding from my mate?" Then, ask him the same question! I would be willing to "put money" on the fact that neither of you is really communicating on the underlying issues of emotional intimacy in this relationship. Then, really talk to each other. Without either of you being defensive, find out what your spouse really feels he is missing. And tell him the same about yourself. If you can do this, I guarantee that your ability to discuss your financial issues will follow suit. Honest communication about deeper feelings and the safety to do this without ridicule or defensiveness is the key to happiness in any good relationship. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"Should I marry him AND his kids?"

Dear Dr. TRuth, I am a 27 year old and engaged for the first time. My fiance is about 10 years older than I, divorced, with three children ages 9, 7 and 4. We have been together for two years, and we are very much in love, but he is extremely involved with his ex-wife about child-rearing issues. He is a wonderful man, but sometimes I wonder if he has room for me in his life. I find myself resentful of the time he devotes to his "other" family. Do you think I should proceed with this marriage? Sincerely, P. A.

Dear P A, Obviously you have already felt your fiance's pull toward his children and experienced what being in a "blended" family is all about. Because you chose a man with three children, you may have sensed from the beginning his involvement and love for them, but perhaps during your courtship period, you denied the reality of this man's prior family obligations and how seriously he takes them. He is, it seems, being a loving and responsible parent and is giving to his children what you would wish for him to give to your own. Now that dealing with his first family has become a reality for you, you are questioning how much emotional energy will be left to begin life with a new partner. Here are some factors you might want to consider before you say, "I do." 1. What is the degree of involvement he expects from you in terms of actually parenting his children? 2. How do you feel about his children? Is there an emotional fit? 3. Are you prepared for the inevitable resentment and testing which inevitably arises with you in the role of "Daddy's new wife?" 4. Is he able to separate his disappointments in his previous marriage from his present life with you sufficiently for you to feel emotionally secure in the relationship? 5. Has the issue of future children been agreed upon? 6. Is his style of parenting congruent with your own? 7. Can the two of you communicate about this situation so that you both feel validated and understood? 8. How capable is he of emotional intimacy? Is he over-involved with his children because he fears a repetition of his failed first marriage? 9. Lastly, has he resolved for himself what went wrong in his first marriage? Unresolved issues tend to resurface unless worked through on the emotional level. These situations can and do work but require monumental sensitivity and a relatively long adjustment period for all concerned. Keep the lines of communication open and above all, be very patient. Remember that this is a huge change for all concerned and don't expect yourself to love the whole package right off the bat. What I have found to be extremely useful in these situations is short-term pre-marital counseling. This helps enormously to keep expectations and feelings manageable. With forethought and understanding, this can be a successful marriage. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"Why Do I Play Games in Relationships?"

Dear Dr. TRuth,

Every time I hear Jewel's song, "Foolish Games" I begin to think about my relationships with women.
I know that I play games but I'm scared that if I stop playing, I'll be out of the running.
I love the beginnings of relationships. I allow myself to get really close really fast but then it's like something inside of me snaps.
I start to pull away, almost withdraw completely, and then, just as the woman involved has almost given up, I snap back like a human rubber band. This may happen a couple of times over the course of a year, and finally the woman gives up on me completely and I wind up alone. And miserable.
Then I start the cycle all over again with somebody else. I've been doing this for a while now. I'm 35 years old and feel I'm ready to settle down but I can't break the cycle.
I don't want to end up alone, but, at this rate, it looks like that's what might happen.

Sincerely,
Game Boy




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Dear Game Boy, You are right...about everything. These are indeed very "foolish games" and, despite your awareness, you seem unable to break the cycle that leaves you the loser...and loser you will be unless you do something rather quickly to stop torturing both yourself and the women with whom you become involved. I've had many such letters and my answer stays the same: the thing that is keeping you in "the rubber band syndrome" is your own fear that someone who comes too close might really see how truly inadequate you feel. You fear that unless you play hard to get, no one will love you just for yourself. You keep the interest alive by creating an artificial sense of desire based on depriving your partner of the opportunity to really experience intimacy with you. What are you so afraid of? What makes you believe that allowing someone to get close will make her lose interest in you? Who has left or abandoned you previously? You know, love always involves risk. When we let someone get close to us, there is always the danger of them deciding that we are not right for them after all. On the other hand, nothing ventured truly means nothing gained. You allow yourself to venture out, but then, retract the opportunity for obtaining what you really want, the chance to allow love into your heart and the chance to fully experience the intimacy you say that you want. Think of it like this: we all have two options on how to live our lives. We can base our lives on love or we can base our lives on fear. Your behavior is definitely based on the latter. Once you have chosen fear, you become enslaved by it, and you are no longer really capable of choosing what is best for you. The more you act out of fear, the more it is reinforced in your life. Eventually it becomes so automatic that you are not even in touch with it. This is what has happened to you. So what if you have been hurt a couple of times. Who hasn't had some disappointments on the long road to mate selection? None of these has made you less desirable or lovable, except perhaps in your own eyes. Remind yourself that there is someone out there for you, and that at this very moment, she is probably seeking you. The next time you meet someone and feel like withdrawing, discuss these feelings. The talking helps and actually prevents the acting out of the negative pattern you have established, pulling away. And congratulate yourself for the awareness of this pattern. This is the first step toward overcoming it. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

Time to Choose a Romantic Dream OR a Real Relationship

I am a 29-year-old woman who has never been married. I have had a number of fairly long-term relationships each lasting around 2 years. Some of been live-in, some live-out. Here's my pattern: I seem to fall in love rather quickly. I get attracted to someone and before I know it, we're an item. All goes well for six months or so. Then "it" starts. "It" is the weird behavior, the pulling away, the acting ambivalent, etc. So this goes on for a while and then I start to feel used and abused, neglected and rejected etc. so I put up with things and then I can't take it anymore. This usually lasts for about a year and then I begin to separate which also takes me awhile. After each of these experiences I withdraw for about three months. Then I come out of hiding, meet someone new, and the cycle begins again. The first one or two times this happened, I didn't think too much about it except that I picked jerks. Now, after 4 or 5 times, I'm beginning to wonder if all men are jerks, or if maybe I have something to do with it. Help me! Kathy

Dear Kathy: I have two things to say to you: No! and then, Yes! First of all, how could all men be jerks? Do you really think that the world was created so dismally that one entire gender could fall into such a category? Anyway, what is a jerk? Sounds like you are defining it as someone who doesn't meet your needs. After all, anyone can do the relationship thing for six months. That's the falling in love phase when your hearts beat as one and you spend your life in breathless anticipation of your next encounter. How long can that feeling actually last? That is, in fact, not love, but romance. Anyone can do romance because it is indeed a delicious high that makes the world sweeter while it lasts. But romance, by its very definition, is based on the fact that it must change into something else and it always does. It either progresses into a more mature and sophisticated love, or it dies on the vine. I'm afraid, Kathy that your relationships fall into the latter category. So let's ask ourselves why? I think it is because the teenager inside of you never matured past the age of 17. You still are looking for the man who will make you feel like the perennial prom queen for the rest of your life. Believe me, this will never happen. Just as no flesh and blood man can keep the romantic stereotype going, no woman can be the ongoing object of all his feelings. Unfortunately, real life always intervenes. People's reality concerns such as jobs, family, friends, outside interests, etc. begin to intrude on the romantic bubble you have created for yourself and, like all bubbles, it bursts. Now Kathy, you have to decide whether you want real life or a story book romance. My guess is that the men you choose pull away because they sense your unwillingness to allow them to have a life outside of you. Maybe when they start to pull away, it really is their way of saying, "Kathy, you are not my only concern." It sounds like you interpret their need to pay attention to their individual realities as a rejection of you, which indeed it is not. Or are you so possessive and obsessed that they actually need to pull away in order to take care of the other priorities in their lives. So here's the deal: you need to grow up. This means that you need to look at love and relationships in general as partnerships, where two people share life goals and experiences along a mutually beneficial and pleasurable path. What 'relationship' doesn't mean is an exclusive bubble where real life and other people can never trespass. Nor can any relationship fill up all your unmet emotional needs, past and present. I have a feeling that when you begin to allow the men in your life some time and space of their own, they may not need to pull away so dramatically. And Kathy, here's the good news. You had the intelligence to recognize that this is a pattern in your life and that is the first step to doing something about it. As you learn to make yourself happy and fulfilled in your own life, others won't feel the burden of doing it for you. That way, you can be happy and fulfilled together, without pressure, without ownership, and without unreasonable demands for attention. This is the beginning of real intimacy. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"Should I Break Up with My Girlfriend for This New Girl I Like?"

Dear Dr. TRuth, I really need some advice. I recently met this girl at orientation for this new job I started, it is at a huge office so we don't really work together. I think she is really great and I want to get to know her better. The thing is I'm already in a relationship and have a girlfriend. We have been dating for about one and a half years now. She has broken up with me on several occassions but I always managed to kiss up and get her back. She hasn't broken up with me because I cheated or anything like that, it's just that we are both so different and we both sometimes agree that we are not compatible. Now this other girl that I met seems to like me but she is always so busy, she goes to school full time and works part time. When I call her she never really has time to talk to me and says that she will call me back but then she doesn't. Is she just playing games ? Maybe she is still immature, I don't know? I just can't stop thinking about this girl and I know it's not fair to the girl I have been with the past year and a half. I don't know what to do. Should I pursue this new girl and risk losing something that is already there or should I stay with the old girl and maybe get dumped again in the future? I can't get this new girl off my mind. Tortured

Dear "Tortured" I don't think either of these girls is "the one." First of all, think about this! You are actually emotionally cheating on your present girlfriend by asking another woman out. Second, you have unresolved issues with woman #1 and nothing ever gets resolved. She dumps you, you kiss up, and you are back together. Does anything ever really get talked over or worked out? I don't think so. So you have to decide about Woman #1 before you make any other moves. When and if you decide to be free of this highly neurotic relationship, you can figure out if Woman #2 who, by the way, has not given you any signals that she is interested, is available. Relationships aren't there just so you won't be lonely, they are there because you learn to honestly care for and love somebody. It sounds to me like you are only with the first woman because you can't be alone and now you like someone else but you are still with the first woman just in case it doesn't work out with the second woman! Does this make any sense to you at all, because I certainly don't see it! Maybe you need to take some time to yourself and figure out what you really want in a woman. After that, you will be emotionally free to choose someone who can love and value you for yourself. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"My Best Friend Likes the Same Guy I Like"

Dear Doctor TRuth, A couple of months ago, my bestfriend, who's like a sister to me, finally went out with this guy she's been liking since the fifth grade, three years ago. They stayed together for about a month or two, then my best friend dumped him. Now she likes him again, a lot, I can tell by the way she's always talking about him. But now the word is that he likes me! The truth is, now that I see him more often, I'm starting to like him too. I told my bestfriend this, and she's encouraging me to go with him, but I can see it would bother her, but she won't let it go, until I go with him. I feel so bad about this, because there's more. Over the summer I met this guy and we sorta hooked up, but it was only a physical attraction. I was shocked to find out that my bestfriend liked this guy too. I had no idea!!!! All the guilt is getting to me, and despite all this, she still wants me and her ex to hook up. What should I do??? "Guilty"

Dear "Guilty" You sound like a wonderful and good friend. Like many female relationships, there is sometimes a bit of envy and competition, even among the best of friends. My question for you is why are you letting your friend decide who you should "hook up" with. What does your own heart tell you? If there is something real going on with you and her ex, whether she wants it or not is not the issue. The issue is: do the two of you really like each other? If you do, then she will have to accept it. After all, it's not like you stole him from her. They were not together when the two of you started to like each other. As far as the second guy goes, if she hasn't told you that she likes him, why feel guilty? It's not your fault and you haven't done anything wrong. I admire your sensitivity to your best friend but at the same time, you are really not responsible for her feelings. Try to figure out which guy you like. Try not to worry so much about what's good for her. That is her issue. We all have to decide what is best for us in our own lives. If we are happy and we haven't really done anything to hurt another person, we all win. Your friend needs to handle her own feelings and it does sound as though she wants you to be happy as well. Remember that feeling guilty never really helps anyone, it just makes us miserable. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"I'm in Love with a Best Friend"

Dear Dr. TRuth, I am an eighteen year-old male with a four year old problem. I am in love with my one of my best friends. At least I think I am in love with her. When I first met her, I really didn't like her. She was always so annoying. But then we got to know each other better and she sort of grew on me. Not very long after I started to get to know her, I started to think about her romantically. Soon after, we became like brother and sister, always together. And my feelings have done nothing but grown since then. It took me about a year to work up the courage to tell her about the feelings I had for her. When I finally did, she told me that we had too good of a friendship, that she didn't want to ruin it, that I was like a brother to her and that she couldn't feel that way for me. But I just can't shake this feeling. Several times the pain I feel has grown so strong that I needed to take a 'vacation' from her, which just gave my mind time to fantasize about how great she is and how someday she has to give me a shot. But when I am away from her for so long, I miss her to the point where the only thing I want to do is be with her. No matter how much it hurts to know she doesn't feel the same way. I have actually cried about this almost a hundred times. The only advice I have gotten so far is to 'get over it', and if I could, I would. But I can't. I think that the reason I can't get over this is because I can't let go of the hopes that some day, she may change her mind. And I truly believe that if she did feel the same, I would marry her in a heartbeat. And there I go again with the 'ifs'. I'm sure that you get alot of mail, and what's going on in my world doesn't affect you, but please, help me. Thank you, X-treme pain

Dear "X" I know this is hard and painful, but we can't force someone to love us just because we love them. At some level, we all have to realize that the right person will come along for us. While we are waiting for this magical event, we have to work on ourselves non-stop to be the best person we can possibly be while we are waiting. That means doing things to build our self-confidence by succeeding in our life activities. If Madame X just wants to be your friend, it actually may be too painful for you to hang out with her right now. You do need to make some new friends and actually ask some other girls out, even though right now it may just be going through the motions. Get involved with new people and new activities and try to build a life separate from her. She may even look at the new you and think, "Hey, he's hot!" Wasting your life mooning after her will just make you seem pathetic to her and you don't want that. You could play a little harder to get and she may even start wondering why you are not panting over her as much as you used to. The more you move on, the more appealing you will become, not just to her, but to everybody else. "X", I am right. Please give this a try. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"Do Girls Like Sweet Guys?"

Dear Doctor TRuth, Recently, I have noticed that I hopelessly fall in love. I can never tell when or if a girl likes me. This is really hard. Recently I found a girl who is very sweet to me. She tells me that im the sweetest guy she has ever met and that she loves me. She also has a boyfriend. She talks to him about me and things like that. I really do think I like her. What do you think I should do? Do girls really like sweet guys or am I hopeless? Sincerely, Love struck 15 year-old

Dear Love Struck, Do you suffer from terminal sweetness? I think if you are loving and good and kind someone will eventually fall for you. I guess my question to you would be how do you feel about yourself confidence-wise? Are you being overly nice because you think that is the only way to get a girl? I would totally work on my confidence by doing things that make me feel proud of myself. Sounds like you are good at getting girls as friends but have trouble getting them to like you romantically. If there is anyone you like other than this girl right now (since she has a bf) you might want to ask them to do something with you. Start to see yourself more as a junior stud and less as a "nice guy". Don't try so hard to please others. Work on figuring out what you need to do to please yourself. Then watch the magic. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"She Cheated"

Dear Dr. TRuth, I was friends with a girl last year and then it turned into a relationship. We only went out for a month but I really liked this girl... I thought she was the one - until one day she told me she had cheated on me with 3 guys in one weekend. Nothing major..just kissing but I still broke up with her. Ever since I have quit dating and I have a somewhat of a dislike for women and I really hate her.. I always think that all women are sluts and I know all aren't but every one I come in contact with turns out bad. Everyone tells me I'm to young to give up(19) but I don't care...every girl makes me sick and I don't wanna waste my sweetness and kindness on people who will just hurt me! And no Im not gay! Please write me back soon and tell me how I can get over her.

Dear Recovering Wow! Sounds like this girl really did a numnber on you! Your trust in women has really been shattered but please remember that this is only temporary. As we go through life, we have many bad experiences but each one of these exists so that we can learn more about ourselves and the type of people we want to be with. So one girl hurt you, so what! You might have thought she was the one, but I guess she wasn't! All that means is that the right one is going to appear one day. If you isolate yourself, you will not be available to meet her... and then what! In the meantime, while you are getting over this, take really good care of yourself, work on your pride and self-confidence, and keep your distance from enmeshments with women in general. Treat girls only as friends and companions but do not get emotionally involved. Believe it or not, one day, your pain will leave you and the perfect girl will appear. I guarantee it. And I want to know when it happens. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

Teen "Should I Tell Him I Like Him?"

Dear Dr. TRuth, I have a crush on this guy, but I don't know if he likes me. Every time my friend e-mails him something and the there is a little thing in it about me he won't answer. She thinks he doesn't want his true feelings known. Also, he avoids talking to me on ICQ. I want to tell him, but I also don't want my feelings hurt. What should I do? Avoided

Dear Avoided: At this point, unless you can take the disappointment of him not liking you, it feels really risky to let him know. Whether or not your friend is correct, you are the one who has to take the risk. The best thing in a situation like this is to try to arrange some kind of group get-together or gathering and see how he acts in a situation like that. In the meantime, try to be patient and wait until life presents the opportunity for you to interact more casually. Anything more direct will be just too scary for him right now. On the other hand, if you can handle it and it would not be a huge shock if he doesn't feel the same way, talk to him, but my advice is to play it cool for right now. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"He Still Has Feelings for His Ex Girlfriend"

Dear Doctor TRuth, I'm currently going out with a boy who I like very much. We've been going out for 3 weeks and he's just told me that he still has feelings for his ex (who he went out with until 2 months ago). He went out with her for three months but she treated him like dirt. She has told him recently that she wants to go back out with him. He's not sure what to do and neither am I. Should I dump him or start seeing him even though I don't think it will be the same. I am worried that he will do something behind my back. Please help.

Dear "Worried" If he still has feelings for his "ex" he can't really be with you now can he? If he wants to go back to someone who has treated him poorly, that is his problem. Personally, I think he needs to work it out with her before he can give anyone else his full on attention. Ask him what he wants. Tell him you can handle it if he wants her more (I know this will be painful!) but it is better to get things out in the open rather than have him do something behind your back and then feel humiliated. You don't want to feel like "sloppy seconds" and no one can be with another until they have fully recovered from what went before anyway. It is best to keep your dignity, so let him go back. He will only get burnt again anyway, but that will be his choice. Some people are that self-destructive. Don't you be one of them. If you are able to let him go, trust that someone else better for you will come along. Believe me, that is the healthy choice. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"I Feel Trapped in This Relationship"

Dear Dr. TRuth,

I am a 20 year old female that is in a relationship with a 25 year old man. We have been going out for three months now, but we fell in love after going out for three weeks. The relationship was a dream come true until very recently.

My boyfriend asked me to stay with him during my school break from college (2 weeks). This seemed like a long period of time and I was a little nervous inside because of concern over my need for space.

Despite this apprehension, I agreed to the arrangement. He said that it has been the best time of his life while I felt like I was going crazy after the two weeks were over. I told him that I needed to go away for a few days so that I could have more freedom, more space, and get more things done. I complained that I felt like I had gotten married overnight. I was confined to the house most of the time. It took him a while to finally give me a key and I am isolated from transportation and friends. I felt like he wanted me to adapt to his ways of doing things instead of doing things my own way.

When I wasn't living with him, he would still come straight from work and take me out for a great time. Since I've been staying with him, we mostly go out to run errands, go to the grocery store, and take the trash out!

Every time he was around he wanted me to be with him (For example: if I was watching TV, he would want me to stop so that I could lay next to him while he was on the phone.) I told him that simple things make me feel in control (being able to come and go as I please, working outside the house, etc.) but I felt like he was trying to be in control. I told him that made me feel unhappy so I had to go back to my original environment for a little while.

Meanwhile, he keeps saying he wants to ask me to marry him someday, he wants me to have his children, he wants me to live with him permanently after I graduate in May. I'll admit that we've had some wonderful times together. But I'm feeling suffocated.

After we discussed these things, he voluntarily said he would change. He said he didn't think he was controlling but that possibly I thought so because of the way he said things and that he would try to be more careful. I told him that I am a very independent person and I need time for my own activities and interests. He said he will value my privacy more.

This is all nice but I am still feeling awkward about going back to stay with him. I feel more irritated by him that ever and my need for space seems to grow everyday.

I feel overwhelmed and confused. I keep telling myself that love will keep us together despite my recent doubts.
What should I do?

Trapped




Dear "Trapped,"

This guy may be great and wonderful but you are in an entirely different life stage. You are definitely not ready to play house.

Your feelings are right when they tell you that being confined is not right for you at the age of 20. We need to keep in mind that he is five years older than you and may be more ready than you are. This relationship, as loving as it is, was not equipped to handle coming home and doing chores.

You had your best times when you could go out and have fun. You need to keep doing this. So many young people make the mistake of giving up their late adolescence and early adulthood, which is a time of discovery and experimentation, to be committed to someone they might eventually outgrow.

We change the most between the ages of 20 to 28. All your feelings of being stifled are telling you that you need to be much freer than you are with this young man. Your heart is telling you that you can't handle this so listen to it.

Try to go back to the stage where you are merely dating. Errands and chores at your age will deprive you of the period of experimentation and growth at the sacrifice of what he needs you to be.

I can't stress how strongly I feel that you need to break away from this and discover your own life as a separate individual before you make this kind of choice.

What if you wake up in five years and say, "My God, I've missed five years of my development!"

I guarantee you this is what will happen.

Your feelings are correct. Pay attention to them.

Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth

"He Dumped His Drink on Me - I need Help"

HI, don't know if you are able to help. But I live with my boyfriend, lately we are not getting on. We argue loads, I am jealous of his friends, family, and the fact that he gets a lot higher wage packet than myself, and he makes sure he rubs it in my face. I don't get a lot of nice clothes, I got a new designer jacket in a sale, and when out drinking last night, after he knocked a bottle of drink over the clothes, we all laughed, then he chucked a pint all over my new coat. Please help I think I'm at the end of my tether, in the UK

Dear "At the end," Your self-esteem is quite low as indicated by your envy of your boyfriend's success. I think you need to work very hard at getting your own sense of self to the point where you feel like you are the best girl anyone could possibly have. Whether this means counseling, or just looking into why you allow anyone to treat you ( or your new coat) as if you were nothing more than a dishrag. Your nasty boyfriend is only reflecting back to you what you think about yourself. My belief is that relationships are mirror images of our own sense of who we are. He, in his own way, is being abusive and disrespectful. Is this how you think you deserve to be treated? I don't think so! So why allow it? First, you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you will no longer tolerate that type of behavior. Second, you need to stand up to his assaults on your dignity by not allowing him to put you down in any way, shape or form. Third, you need to work very hard on YOU! Get yourself in a position where you value yourself highly and believe me, no one will ever treat you like that again. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"My Fiance Puts me down"

I've been with my fiancé for one and a half years...He's always been good to me but when we're around other people he puts me down and makes me look stupid.

Recently we got engaged, and things were okay. But at the end of last year we got into a huge fight and I moved my things out to go live with my mother.

We're not engaged anymore but we're trying to work it out, the problem with that is that he doesn't seem to be really trying. We were emailing each other on a regular basis, but on New Year's Eve when I thought he would call, he didn't. I tried to find out where he was, and his sister told me that he was in L. A.

He left without even telling me, and never called after the fact, to say happy new year or to say that he was gone.

I love him, but sometimes I question if he really loves me.

My family tells me to look at what he's doing and that he's not worthy of my love, and that he's not treating me like someone who loves me enough to marry me, would treat me.

I'm just looking for an outside opinion.

Thanks a lot,
Baffled

Dear "Baffled," Your family is right. This man is treating you like garbage and giving you very clear messages that he does not honor and respect the commitment he made to you. As far as love goes, even if he does love you, his verbal abuse makes me wonder about how much he values the people who love him. Even if he were to marry you, could you ever really trust someone who devalues you publicly? How much humiliation do you think you deserve? I would cut the chord and move on. This man will make whomever he is with miserable and why would you want that? You need to think more of yourself than this and you certainly deserve someone who treats you with the love and respect you crave. Don't forget, the more we stay with someone who emotionally abuses us, the more it erodes our self-esteem. Your inability to see for yourself what is really going on here tells me that you either don't think enough of yourself to leave someone who treats you this way, or that continued treatment of this nature has beaten you down so much that this is all you think you deserve. Please, please get away from this denigrating situation and try to heal from what he has put you through. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"I'm In Love with Two Girls"

Dear Doctor TRuth,

I feel really bad for having to write this as it's something I should be able to sort out myself but I can't.
Basically, I love two girls dearly and I can't choose between the two.
I met Anne 18 months ago… We had some great times at the beginning but I always found myself wanting more, but never did anything about it and worked hard at our relationship.

She's a lovely girl but always needs someone in her life, she's very dependent on people.

I found myself resenting her occasionally as I too needed attention and found myself always having to give it.

She's such a sweet girl, but sometimes too sweet and that frustrated me as she got walked over from time to time.

We ended up moving in together and everything seemed Ok.

Well, she was over the moon and found myself feeling more and more trapped. Having to convince her I loved and cared for her. This took it's toll on me.

Do I sound bad saying that ? We got on really well but were never on that same level you want out of a relationship.
I could explain things about work, life, music etc and it went straight over her head. I'd just get the "Ahh.."Erm.." Really".. As if it was never being taken it.

I never got over the fact that I could come home after a bad day and explain everything to her with no advice back, on the other hand I always had to be a pool of information for her.

One day at work a girl came to our offices. She was working with us for 9 weeks on work placement. We clicked in so many ways it scared me. We got on so well from the start.

I promised myself nothing would come of it as it was so evident that we really liked each other.

To cut a long story short we ended up kissing on a night out and that was it. She's such a beautiful girl, listens to everything I say and understands.. Always has good advice to give me etc.. We did the usual office fling bit and went for lunches, walks in the park etc…

I ended up moving out of my house with Anne and moving into my brother's house whilst still seeing Ellen, the new girl.

Anne had no idea what was going on. I never told her I was seeing someone else, I didn't want to hurt her more than I already had.

Now 3 months down the line I don't know which one I want to be with. I love Anne so much, but I also love Ellen with the same passion. It's like Ellen gives me what Anne doesn't and vice-versa.

Anne wants me back and Ellen and I are still together.

Part of me wants to "go home" and part of me is scared to stay with Ellen.

I'm so confused. I love them both very much.

I guess one of the main reasons I can't decide is because of where I am living. In a single room at my brother's house.

My house with Anne is cool, we had it set up nice.. I miss that. I miss her. But when I see her it's so different.

She's the same sweet sweet girl who wouldn't harm anyone… But at the same time she frustrates me because she's so "soft".
Ellen is the complete opposite. She's a strong girl and I love her for that.

Anne is working away at the moment. She won't be local to me for 3 or 4 months. I feel so lonely and desperate at times but how can I as I have Ellen? I miss Anne all the time but is it because I'm in a situation right now that I don't like so I go for the easiest option and go home.

But what about Ellen? I can't just walk out on that, I Love her. I can see us being together forever, but I thought that about Anne? I feel like such a shit. I never saw my life ending up like this, at 28 !

It seems so text-book. So, problem page in a mag.

I just wish I could turn the clock back.

Any advice is good advice, please help.

Regards, Tim

"He Won't Kiss Me"

Dear Doctor TRuth,

I have been seeing a guy, for a while now. He is not my boy friend but we spend a lot of time together.
Problem is he refuses to kiss me. Don't get me wrong we have done everything else but kiss.
I'm 22 and he is 24, and he says he doesn't kiss because he did it so much in high school that he got tired of it.
How do people get tired of kissing. I'm desperate, we have had many arguments over the issue and I don't want to just go ahead and kiss him cause he obviously doesn't want to and I don't want to feel like I'm disrespecting him.
I feel we are in the movie pretty women except he's the prostitute and I'm just the girl, since he won't kiss.
What can I do?????
I mean is he just afraid of getting emotionally attached if he kisses me? or could he be BI.
I mean a guy at his age should be more mature about things.
Well please help this is really bothering me.

Thanks,
Wishing

Dear "Wish to be kissed" You are right. Kissing is very intimate and I, like you, feel that he may be avoiding making real contact with you. In a sense, though you've done everything else, he is distancing himself in a way that is unacceptable to you. You have obviously communicated your need to him and he won't do it. Now it's up to you to decide if this is tolerable to you. I don't think he's "bi" but I do think that this indicates deeper issues around intimacy. See if you can get him to communicate further. Perhaps he has some trauma involving the erogenous feelings around the lip area. If other things are good however, this may be just his issue and not an indication of how he feels about you. If you enjoy his company and you communicate well in other areas, give it some time. He may come around. In the meantime, try not to take this personally. I doubt it is an indication of anything to do with you. Let me know how it goes. Above all, he should be able to understand that this means something to you and be able to discuss it. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"Help! I'm Afraid to Meet my Beautiful Internet Love in Person!"

Dear Dr. TRuth,

I met this girl on the Internet I am afraid she won't like me when we meet.

I have seen pics of her but because I don't have a scanner she hasn't seen any of me.

I think she is quite beautiful and I am sure most people would agree.

I am not an attractive guy and the only people who think I am are my family members so I tend not to believe them.
I am 18 and have had only two girlfriends both of which were only with me because of other circumstances and not because I was good looking.

I know you might think I just solved my own problem but those two times where different.

Trust me, I could stand to loose a few pounds, I am as pale a piece of paper, I don't have many good features, plus I am inexperienced.

We have talked a lot on an instant messenger and she seems to like me and we flirt a little but that is over the computer.

I really want her to like me. Its not that I think she is an unkind person and only cares about looks, but I think looks are a factor in any relationship.
We seem compatible on many levels except for that one.

I would appreciate any advice.

Sincerely,
'Spooked'

Dear S, Your problem is not whether this girl will like you if she meets you, your problem is that you do not like yourself. There is nothing that kills romance faster than a lack of self-confidence. Even if she meets you and does like you, your poor self-esteem will be a turn off. My advice is to do whatever it is that you need to do to build yourself up in your own eyes. If you are too heavy, lose the weight! Join a gym, whatever. Make a list of your assets and talents and please, don't tell me you have none! Life is an endless process of learning to love and respect who we are, not only on the outside but on the inside as well. The problem about meeting people on the Internet is that it allows people with similar issues to avoid confronting the fact that they are afraid of rejection. The Internet is like a magic screen which allows us to project anyone we think we should be. For this reason, I discourage this as a way of meeting new people. My advice is to get out there, take care of yourself, figure out what you need to do to like yourself better, even if it means some counseling, and learn that you are lovable, likeable and even adorable. I can tell by the way you express yourself in writing that you have a lot going for you. Now why don't you know that yourself! Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"We're Newleyweds and He Constantly Ogles Other Women"

Dear Dr. TRuth, I've been married about 5 months to a man my same age of 53. We dated about 1 1/2 years before we got married. A couple of months before we got married I noticed he was ogling other women while we were out. He will do double takes and triple takes and even go as far as to look down their blouses. If we're at a restaurant he seems to find an attractive women to stare at and only looks at me if he has to answer me. At the mall he is always on the prowl and usually when they get right up beside him he will turn towards them and take it all in. If a woman has a low cut top he will wait until she is right beside him and then look straight down her top. At a county fair last summer he insisted on getting on every ride with his daughter's cute friend (19 yr. old) The year before he told me he didn't like the rides and my son had to ride alone. He has even hired a young beautiful woman to help out in his office. I didn't think much of it at first but now I'm beginning to wonder. I tried talking to him about this about 2 months ago and told him I found it very disrespectful and would not tolerate it. He said he was just a people watcher and didn't think he was doing anything wrong. Nothing has changed since then. I'm not sure I want to live the rest of my life with someone like this. I was happily married before to my late husband and never had anything like this happen. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks Mrs. X

Dear Mrs. X, I think this is an annoying and frustrating habit and I don't blame you for feeling upset. Also, it sounds like you were happy in your previous marriage and that you are not in this one. Since I know nothing of your present husband's relationship history, it is hard to ascertain what his problem is but this obsessive checking out of other women is very discounting to your own sense of yourself as an attractive woman. This is a mark of a man who feels deeply inadequate in that he feels the grass is always greener. He is also dealing with his own aging and needs the attention and approval of others to validate his masculinity. Once again, since I know very little about him, and you have definitely tried to express how unhappy this has made you, I think you should suggest some kind of marital counseling to see if this is resolvable. Marriage counseling is suggested when normal communication patterns don't work and he obviously sees nothing wrong with his behavior and has no intention of stopping. Further, his behavior verges on the inappropriate. Insisting that his daughter's 19 year old girlfriend ride with him is pretty gross if not downright vile. I think your husband's behavior is outrageous and intolerable. Indeed, if he will not change without therapy and does not agree to go to therapy, you will have to decide whether or not you can tolerate this behavior just to stay married. As in all marriages, we have to evaluate whether a person's negative traits outweigh their positive ones. Ask yourself if you are happy with him in spite of this trait. What does he do that makes you happy? Is it worth it for you to hang in there if he is a good husband to you in other ways? My suggestion is to make it very clear that his behavior makes you feel insecure and irritated and that if he is unable to stop that the two of you talk to a counselor to iron it out. Again, evaluate if this is something you can live with because the rest of the relationship works for you. Leaving a good man because of one annoying habit may not be the best either. This is a decision only you can make. Good luck and let me know what happens. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"She Says She Likes Me, But Won't Break Up with Her Boyfriend"

Dear Dr. TRuth,

I have been good friends with this girl for about 5 years and I started to have feelings for her about 1 year ago and never had the courage to tell her because I thought it might ruin our friendship.

But about 4 months ago I told her about my feelings towards her and how I have liked her for sometime. The problem is that she has been going out with another guy for about 7 months.

The trouble is that she and I began to see each other allot and she started to fall for me also.

She says she loves me but she doesn't want to break up with her boyfriend because she says she is "afraid."

She loves me but she also loves her boyfriend.

What should I do? Try to wait things out, or forget about her?

From,
in love



Dear "in love"

Your "friend" is playing a dangerous game.

I do believe you can be attracted to two guys but you can only really love one.

I think she is afraid to rock the boat and doesn't want to change anything. After all, why should she? She has both of you eating out of the palm of her hand.

Secondly, look at how she is behaving towards her boyfriend. She is flirting outrageously with another guy. In a sense, she is being emotionally unfaithful to him!

What does this tell you about her character? How do you think she will act when she is with you? When another guy comes along that she's attracted to, will she flirt with him on the side as well?

Here's my advice: tell her that while you have feelings for her, you don't think it's fair to her boyfriend for her to behave this way. Tell her that you don't think it is fair and honorable to carry on secretly while she is in another relationship.

Then, stop seeing her completely. Let her miss you for a while. If she really loves you, she will choose you. If she doesn't come to you on her own, she never loved you anyway.

Make her choose, and, while you're at it, think enough of yourself to find someone who puts you first, not second, to someone she already has.

Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth

"Great relationship - except he's thinking about his old girlfriends"

Dear Dr. TRuth,

I am 25 years old and have been dating a 29 year old guy named Jack for just over a year and a half....we have a very strong, loving, honest relationship....we have tons in common, still talk on the phone for four hours at a time, are open and honest with each other, very affectionate and loving with words and deeds, the sex is great....we are best friends and soulmates...we will finally be moving in together in January....we just bought a new vacuuum cleaner and a set of dishes, in fact....we also have talked about plans to get engaged within a year ...we have talked about wanting kids together eventually when we are married and both ready.

It all seems perfect right? Maybe it is and I am just paranoid, but I am just so afraid anyway.

On the down side for him is his past. In his youth, he was always a huge playboy; he was all about the sex and the fun. When his friends find out how serious we are, they always laugh and say wow, they never thought he would settle down EVER.

For quite some time, I worried about it, but he is so sincere and loving, and he has told me that that was his youth and he is past that and wants to be with me now and always, that I am the one for him and he is ready for the next stage of his life.

But recently, in the midst of one of our rambling conversations, he confessed that he has been thinking about a couple of the women from his past that he really did love.

There was one he would have married if he had been ready to settle down then, but he wasn't. He told me that his thoughts in no way make him doubt us, that he loves me and wants to marry me, there is no reservation in his head at all about us, but that he has been thinking in the back of his head "What if?" about these women from his past, especially that particular one.

He says it isn't a desire to still be with her, but more pondering and wondering what might have been, how his life might have differed if he had taken a different course, because he believes he could have been happy with this other woman if things had gone differently. He says that occasionally he still feels the urge to 'play the field', but that he would never do anything to mess up what we have because it is too precious to him.

I don't know what to think. Is it normal to think this way about past loves? Do I have anything to be worried about? Was he just being a dumb male and confessing a bit too much of his private thoughts?

Please help. I have been badly betrayed by men in the past. I'm not sure if I am just being paranoid over nothing, or trying not to be paranoid over something I should be afraid of.

Sincerely,
Terrified

Dear Terrified I certainly can understand your concerns and you are wise to question this. While I have no doubt your boyfriend really cares about you, it seems that as he gets closer to making a real commitment( getting engaged, moving in, etc.) he is very frightened and that may be one of the reasons his mind is straying to past relationships and other women. On the other hand, if he has unresolved feelings for this woman, when things get rough between the two of you, he may turn to the fantasy of what that might have been like, and believe me, it is impossible to compete with a ghost. Secondly, I would question his concerns about commitment in general. What kind of family does he come from? Does he have a good relationship with his mother? Are his parents still together? Is he stable emotionally? Is there any history of depression or anxiety in his family? There is nothing wrong with playing the field before making a commitment, but as the two of you get closer, he seems to be questioning "the one who got away." On the plus side, you two seem to be very good friends. You say you talk on a very deep level. If this is true, you absolutely need to voice your concerns. Believe me, they are valid ones. Ask him how serious he is about his feelings about his past and if he is really ready to make the kind of commitment you both are. Ask him if it is just fear of moving ahead, or if there are unresolved issues with his earlier relationships? If he is unable to answer these questions to your satisfaction and feelings of security, it may be important to have a few sessions with a counselor where the two of you can discuss this openly. One of the real tests of a relationship is the ability of both partners to be absolutely honest about these matters. Your feelings of insecurity need to be dealt with to your satisfaction. I can tell from your letter that you are an intelligent and thoughtful young woman. You deserve to put these issues to rest. Otherwise, they will haunt you and destroy what actually seems to be a very lovely relationship. Good luck in this matter. Keep me posted. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"My fiancee doesn't want to discuss 'problems' in our relationship"

Dear Dr. TRuth,

I am getting married in four months. I have been engaged for four years. However, my fiancee and I have at least two major issues. I just don't know if this is serious enough for me to consider backing down from marriage.

My fiancee and I are not seeing eye to eye on money issues. He feels that when we are married once the bills are paid for each person should have allowance money to spend. The catch is the other person should not ask what the money was spent on.

An example is, he spends money on CD's or a football jersey that's over $200.00. If he used it from his allowance money I should not complain. I'm not ok with this. My parents have been together for over 30 years and consult every detail of their expenses together. My fiancee feels that this is like "reporting" to the mate.

My other problem is that whenever something bothers me (other than money matters), I feel I can't tell him without getting upset.

I email him or try over the phone. This doesn't work. He never wants to hear the bad he only wants things to always be on the upbeat. However, I have issues I want to discuss.

I feel he keeps me from expressing my feelings which turn into resentment. Lately, I have really been questioning my relationship.

Please help me. I'm getting married in four months and am afraid of failing. Please Help ME!!!! Any advice will much be appreciated. I need to hear an expert's advice.

THank you,

Miss G.

Dear "G" You are right about one thing: these issues will not go away once you are married and need to be resolved ASAP. Before I get into the issues themselves, you two need to seek some kind of premarital counseling before the wedding. Many couples do this with excellent results. You two have known each other for four years. I wonder why you are just beginning to get scared. You are with someone who basically does not allow you to communicate with him and who shuts out anything he doesn't want to hear. How can a relationship progress unless the two of you can really talk. While I think each partner should have discretionary cash to spend as they choose, your problems are way deeper than money. As a rule, money issues are usually symbolic of deeper problems. I think your fiance, for whatever reason, has difficulty dealing with anything he doesn't want to hear. Marriage is a long and serious lifetime arrangement. It is virtually impossible that issues won't arise which he will need to address. You obviously come from parents who had an exceptionally close relationship. You are engaged to someone who believes that nothing serious needs to or can be discussed. This belief system does not bode well for a relationship in which problems which come up can be solved and the fact that you are already feeling resentment is a bad sign. My advice is to tell him that you need to find some kind of forum in which you two can talk about the underlying issues before you go ahead with this marriage. What else can you do unless you plan to hold things in for the rest of your lives together! Tell him that your mutual future happiness with each other depends on open and honest communication. Frankly, without it, this marriage, or any relationship for that matter, doesn't stand much of a chance. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"He says he loves me but won't kiss me"

Dear Dr. TRuth,

I've been seeing a guy on/off for about 4 years now. (Both 22) We were instantly attracted the day we met 6 yrs ago at work and that day he asked me out but I said no, don't get me wrong I should have, I had butterflies in my stomach but did not know anything about the guy and was scared.

We used to flirt like crazy with each other until he lost his job and I didn't see him for a year. We bumped into each other and things started happening despite the fact he was with someone. It ended with them but then I went to university so we both thought a relationship would be hard so we didn't get together.

Since then we have both been in relationships whilst being involved with each other, sometimes physically but mainly just emotionally, we would phone and text each other daily despite me being away at school. For the past year we have been unofficially seeing each other off and on, he says he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now (he doesn't know why, he just doesn't). I've asked if he thinks we will ever have a relationship in the future and he just doesn't know but admitted if we did it would be great.

He constantly reassures me he cares for me and has strong feelings for me as I do him. We both say we don't want to lose each other as we have grown so close we regard each other as best friends. To add to the complication he says he doesn't like kissing. I know he has done so with his gfs (he says he didn't particularly like it then either) but he won't kiss me. We do everything but he can't give me a solid reason for this either, just says he doesn't particularly like it.

This and the non-commitment causes arguments and sometimes either one of us calls it a day saying we should just be platonic friends, every time we do we end up with each other again. I've walked away from the whole situation three times before, taking advice from friends, thinking it would be better for us. But because I class him as one of my best friends it hurts me, I don't want to give up such a good friendship. He refuses to give my things back and tells me it's because he doesn't want to let go. Each time I do this it hurts him badly and I don't want to do it again.

Is this guy stringing me along? I don't think so but why wont he kiss or commit to me? Is this normal? Should I stop reading too much into this and not need a label on our relationship?

I am happy with him the way things are but need a clearer view of if this is a lost cause or if there is a more secure future ahead.

Confused

Dear Confused You are right, you are confused, and, by the way, so is he. I am sure that if you read this letter over again, or, had you received such a letter from a friend, you would tell them to run from this young man, and not look back. Seriously, just how many red flags have to wave before you can see there is no future here and, if there is, it is bleak! Here is a guy who says he loves you, but is involved intermittently with others, who won't kiss you ( heaven knows why!) , who won't commit to you, and, who says they don't really want to get involved on the girlfriend/boyfriend level. Why do you think there is a chance for something to happen? I literally don't see your reasoning. Further, you are asking the wrong questions. The question should not be whether or not he has genuine feelings for you but rather, whether he can ever be emotionally stable enough to make you happy. (I doubt it.) As well as you might think you know, believe me, you don't. There are far too many things about him that are "mysterious" and which he refused to give you any satisfactory answers for. I realize you met him when you were just 16 and, at that age, all kinds of romantic fantasies occur, but now you are 22 and are still thinking like a girl of 16. Please, grow up!! Whatever this guy is telling you may be true and I am sure he doesn't want to lose you, but what do you really have: a guy who frustrates you who won't commit. Why do you think this is going to change? I think you are just hung up on the 6 year old fantasy that makes your heart beat faster when you think of him. Fine, but don't you think he has just taken "hard to get " to the point of absurdity. How good can all this make you feel. To me, it speaks of just plain misery spiced with a little excitement. This is hardly my idea of a relationship with a future. As far as a platonic relationship goes, I don't think that would be possible until you no longer want anything more from it. It is just going to get harder and harder to sustain because you are so attracted to him. Remember, attraction is only one part of a relationship. Loyalty, commitment, responsibility and maturity make up the rest. My advice: end it. Yes, even the friendship. At least for now. Why do you need someone who doesn't give you what you need. How good a friend is he if he gives you such mixed messages. Do you really think that this skewed communication is friendship? I know it will be hard because you are kind of addicted to the push-pull aspect of this and the imbalance it causes but he is nothing more than a bad drug of which you need to totally break the habit and get it out of your system, once and for all. Believe me, I am right. Turn away and don't look back. Thanks for your letter and keep me posted. Dr. Truth Sincerely, Dr. TRuth

"He says he loves me but won't make a commitment"

Dear Dr. TRuth,

I have been dating a commitment phobic individual off and on for over a year and as can be expected, the relationship has been a roller coaster ride.

He has always returned with humble apologies and I have always forgiven. I really like him, enjoy his wit, humor, and he is very intelligent. However things have recently gotten very sticky. A mutual friend has caused a major rift between the two of us, that I do not know if it can be crossed.

In short an argument ensued about my ex-boyfriend and myself sleeping together after he told me he was not ready for a commitment (again). I told our friend that I would not go there again, however, I did not keep my word and I stayed with him. When our friend found out a confrontation between the two of them became a big blow out and neither my ex nor I really understood it. It would seem that my friend and my ex-boyfriend will most likely recover, as they have been friends much longer, though things may be different between them.

As far as myself and my ex, I do not know. We parted ways awkwardly and I left without saying goodbye, and shed a few tears. Prior to the incident he wanted to remain friends (for convenience?) now I don't know where I stand.

Should I try to contact him and discuss this with him or should I let it go and wait to see if I hear from him?

If I do hear from him do I discuss the incident or do I blow it off? Or am I better off just walking away completely and write if off as a loss though I will miss him dearly.

I am truly at a loss.




Dear Loss,

There are so many things about your situation that trouble me.

First, it is triangular in nature and this always leads to problems. What does this friend have to do with this relationship? At the very least, it is none of their business.

Second, why are you so unsure of yourself that you even listen to a third person?

Third, if someone continually causes us pain and grief, this is obviously not going to make you happy.

Fourth, why run after someone who is this ambivalent about wanting a commitment.

It is one thing to call someone a commitment phobic individual. It is another thing to keep hoping that things will be different. I wonder why you feel he will change? Is he in therapy? Is he working towards dealing with whatever issues made him so fearful in the first place? Probably not!

So this begs the question about your own sense of self-worth.

Ask yourself:
1) Do I really really want a relationship? If so, why be with someone who doesn't?
2) If I really have confidence in myself, why am I with someone why I have to try to convince to be with me?
3) Does my own family background support healthy and loving relationships?
4) Does his?

One of the problems I see with women who continue on with men who won't commit is that something in their own past has made them frightened of commitment themselves. Remember that we usually choose our own "mirror image" when it comes to mate selection. If you are with a man like this, he is probably reflecting your own issues right back to you.

As far as my advice, I think it's pretty clear.

Walk away!!

You've gone on with this for a year and nothing has changed. Second, try to look inward and find out why you have chosen this situation unconsciously and maybe this will help you to grow emotionally in the direction of choosing someone who can love you as you, and as we all, deserve.

Basically, people don't change all that much. If he doesn't want to commit and has not already done so, he either has his own issues to work through or else he just isn't ready. In that case, there is nothing you can do about this except to choose a direction that is more emotionally satisfying. As far as remaining friends, perhaps you could in the future but right now, I would totally cool it.

I hope this advice has been useful. Please keep me posted and good luck!!

Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth

"He Flirts with Me But STILL Has a Girlfriend!"

Dear Dr. TRuth,

I'm 16 and recently went back to work at the restaurant I worked at the previous summer. I was surprised to find out that J., 20, had started to work there on the same day that I came back. We worked together last summer, I had no strong feelings for him this way or that.

I began to flirt with him immediately, normally I wouldn't do this, but I am comfortable around him. He's always set me at ease. I did childish things like throw parsley at him, he often attempted to throw it right back.

Anyway, as time went on we'd stand close together in the doorway, just subtle flirtatious things like that. Later, he began to flirt back with me by putting me in headlocks and lightly pushing me. Sometimes we'd hold hands until the next session of flirtation began.

To make a long story short (I'm sorry! I don't want to bore you! ^^;;) I asked him if he had a girlfriend, and he said he did. I almost slapped myself, was he ever planning on telling me if I never asked? I guess I should have asked earlier, but maybe I didn't want to know if he did...

So even though I really liked him I tried to not flirt with him, I felt that things were just "weird," because it feels so natural to have the flirtation between us. I don't want to hurt his girlfriend, but I can't help the way I feel...

So later after I pretty much had stopped my advances, he starts to flirt with ME again! (not vice versa!) What am I supposed to do?! I flirt back, because I still have strong feelings for him.

One night when we worked alone we got drunk (well I had 2 beers, he had 3) and we played around some more. We did the normal flirty things that we usually do, stand really close together, he holds me and runs his mouth/face over my neck/collarbone. Then our boss shows up, we scramble outside and I ride around with him in his car (I was afraid to drive).

He said he wanted to have sex with me, and I told him, "No way. I'm a virgin. I'd never have sex with you unless I really really liked you and you were my boyfriend."

I told him the last part to be nice. I'm really saving myself for marriage. Later before he dropped me off and said that he wanted to kiss me, but he said he shouldn't because, A. I'm "too young", and B. he has a GF. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him Goodnight. That way his GF can't be mad at him.

Another night (next week) we got drunk again at work, I had 3 wine spritzers and he had a beer. We fooled around some more and I kissed him, or he kissed me...I don't know. He told me I was a good kisser (but you never know because boys lie! :-P) and that he wanted me to kiss him again. I eventually end up kissing him more and more that night before we went over another restaurant that my boss owns. He's my second kiss, and I love kissing him. Of course, because I was drunk I told him that when I was kissing my first kiss I was thinking about him. (I was!)

He told me that he would date me if he didn't have a girlfriend already, I told him that I would wait for him...oh, he also said that he likes me.

He also told me that someone told his girl that I had a crush on him. We think it was one of the waitstaff, that told one of HER friends, that told his girl. (Yes, one big long chain of ppl ^^;;) I asked if he would act weird around me when that certain waitress was around, first he said probably, and then he said he would act the same around me. I was happy when he said that, I don't want things to change. Oh, this was also on another day of working alone together, we were sober!

So the day after our kiss, he acts Coldly around me. He tries to avoid me if possible, and barely talks to me. The next day is kind of the same, but he tells me he had a huge fight with his girlfriend (that wants to beat me up..) partly over me. He told me that he told his girl that he didn't care about me.

So here I am. I'm confused and lost. I really like him. I don't want to get burned, but it appears to be too late. I know that if I dated him, I would be the only one..but how would I be for sure when he flirts with me and has a girl?! I don't want to have these doubts, I trust him completely.

How should I act around him? What should I do? I just want to flirt with him, and he with me, and have everything be alright.

I can't stop thinking about him, and I just want him to come back to me. What has his problem been lately? I just don't understand. I can't turn to anyone else for help.

Thanks!