"He says he loves me but won't make a commitment"

Dear Dr. TRuth,

I have been dating a commitment phobic individual off and on for over a year and as can be expected, the relationship has been a roller coaster ride.

He has always returned with humble apologies and I have always forgiven. I really like him, enjoy his wit, humor, and he is very intelligent. However things have recently gotten very sticky. A mutual friend has caused a major rift between the two of us, that I do not know if it can be crossed.

In short an argument ensued about my ex-boyfriend and myself sleeping together after he told me he was not ready for a commitment (again). I told our friend that I would not go there again, however, I did not keep my word and I stayed with him. When our friend found out a confrontation between the two of them became a big blow out and neither my ex nor I really understood it. It would seem that my friend and my ex-boyfriend will most likely recover, as they have been friends much longer, though things may be different between them.

As far as myself and my ex, I do not know. We parted ways awkwardly and I left without saying goodbye, and shed a few tears. Prior to the incident he wanted to remain friends (for convenience?) now I don't know where I stand.

Should I try to contact him and discuss this with him or should I let it go and wait to see if I hear from him?

If I do hear from him do I discuss the incident or do I blow it off? Or am I better off just walking away completely and write if off as a loss though I will miss him dearly.

I am truly at a loss.




Dear Loss,

There are so many things about your situation that trouble me.

First, it is triangular in nature and this always leads to problems. What does this friend have to do with this relationship? At the very least, it is none of their business.

Second, why are you so unsure of yourself that you even listen to a third person?

Third, if someone continually causes us pain and grief, this is obviously not going to make you happy.

Fourth, why run after someone who is this ambivalent about wanting a commitment.

It is one thing to call someone a commitment phobic individual. It is another thing to keep hoping that things will be different. I wonder why you feel he will change? Is he in therapy? Is he working towards dealing with whatever issues made him so fearful in the first place? Probably not!

So this begs the question about your own sense of self-worth.

Ask yourself:
1) Do I really really want a relationship? If so, why be with someone who doesn't?
2) If I really have confidence in myself, why am I with someone why I have to try to convince to be with me?
3) Does my own family background support healthy and loving relationships?
4) Does his?

One of the problems I see with women who continue on with men who won't commit is that something in their own past has made them frightened of commitment themselves. Remember that we usually choose our own "mirror image" when it comes to mate selection. If you are with a man like this, he is probably reflecting your own issues right back to you.

As far as my advice, I think it's pretty clear.

Walk away!!

You've gone on with this for a year and nothing has changed. Second, try to look inward and find out why you have chosen this situation unconsciously and maybe this will help you to grow emotionally in the direction of choosing someone who can love you as you, and as we all, deserve.

Basically, people don't change all that much. If he doesn't want to commit and has not already done so, he either has his own issues to work through or else he just isn't ready. In that case, there is nothing you can do about this except to choose a direction that is more emotionally satisfying. As far as remaining friends, perhaps you could in the future but right now, I would totally cool it.

I hope this advice has been useful. Please keep me posted and good luck!!

Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth