"Why do we fight about money?"

Dear Dr. TRuth,

I have been married for two years and things have gone steadily downhill. I thought I married my soul-mate yet now we can't seem to agree on anything important. When we were engaged, I though we agreed on everything. Now, even how we like our pasta cooked is a bone of contention.
Our biggest fights seem to be about money. I love nice things and a beautiful environment. I think my husband would be happy living in a cave.
Whenever I come home with a new dress or an item to beautify our house, he hits the ceiling. He wants to retire at 50 and sees any expenditure beyond bare necessities as taking away from his nest egg.
I was raised in a home where money was seen as a way to live better. He grew up in a poorer home where his family scrimped and saved to provide their children with a relatively good life.
Believe me, I am far from extravagant, but I don't think I should have to defend myself every time I buy something without his approval.
I am at my wits end with this. Please help. Sincerely,
J.

Dear J. Yours is not the first letter I've received needing advice on this topic. Issues with money, probably second only to sex, are the two subjects couples seem to fight about most. Actually, I think this has to do with the fact that both of these issues touch on each individuals need to control their physical and emotional environments. You mention that when you met your husband, you agreed on everything. This is not uncommon. You have to remember that, in a relationship's beginning phase, there is a high degree of enmeshment which sometimes precludes open and honest discussions where disagreements may occur. At this point, rather than finding out how different we are, couples are more involved with the ecstasy of no longer feeling alone. After living together for a while, couples begin to define their boundaries more clearly, and differences which have been submerged before come to the surface. I suspect this is what has happened here. Since the two of you are fighting about everything, I wonder if there is an underlying sense of having been deprived or cheated of something that both of you may want and can't communicate. My guess is that this is what is being acted out using money as a convenient pretext. Money issues, more often than not, reflect a lack of emotional intimacy within the context of a relationship. Further, the inability of the couple to communicate about their emotional needs creates problems which manifest as financial issues. Believe it or not, money and love sometimes symbolize each other in the way that giving, sharing, receiving, and spending are expressed. Forget money for a moment and ask yourself this question: "Do I honestly feel that I am getting enough love and understanding from my mate?" Then, ask him the same question! I would be willing to "put money" on the fact that neither of you is really communicating on the underlying issues of emotional intimacy in this relationship. Then, really talk to each other. Without either of you being defensive, find out what your spouse really feels he is missing. And tell him the same about yourself. If you can do this, I guarantee that your ability to discuss your financial issues will follow suit. Honest communication about deeper feelings and the safety to do this without ridicule or defensiveness is the key to happiness in any good relationship. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth